Part 1:

Maintaining your mental healthy state after a bout of depression can leave you with peace and a sense of fulfillment.  It is possible to push yourself too far out of balance and push your mental boundaries. This can happen when we push too hard, overexert ourselves and we start to lose the ground. We can find ourselves right back where we started.  

“Dari, Jessica’s mom called and you are invited to her house for a few hours this afternoon!”  Dread engulfed my whole body. “I-I would rather just stay home mom.” I stutter. “Oh honey, I already told her mom you would love to go play for the afternoon.” My mom said with some compassion and concern in her voice. “Okay” I mumbled and I quickly added under my breath, “I hope I’ll survive this afternoon.”  

I show up to her house with her little dog ferociously yipping and yapping at me. My first big red flag. I walk across the grass and her dog moves its little legs as fast as it can to attach itself to the back of my heel. I am relieved that I wore my long sturdy rustler-like jeans. This miniscule dog has a long way to chew to get to my skin. I find the quickest route to her doorbell as I drag the fun-size dog with me. I pray that they answer the door before I am nibbled to death. I never had a sense for animals and dogs were on my danger list.

Jessica answers the door and throws her arms at me. Hugs aren’t my thing but I awkwardly put one arm around her back. “Hi”, I say with trepidation ringing in my voice. “What would you like to do today?” Jessica says with enthusiasm. I quickly say, “I dunno. Maybe we could stay inside, practice braiding hair, and put on some make-up?” I try to elevate my voice so she notices that I REALLY want this to be an enjoyable afternoon. She slaps me on the back and says, “I’ve got better plans than that-come on!” She grabs my hand and pulls me up the stairs. She opens the backdoor and we face the horse corrals. 

Standing in front of me are two horses that I am unfamiliar with. She points to them and leaves me to get the tack and I am left to analyze my own catastrophe. She walks up behind me with a blanket and a halter. My hearing suddenly is lost and I hear bits and pieces of what she is saying. “Ride, bareback, double, crow-hop… It’ll be no problem! You’ll be just fine. Climb over the fence.” She slaps my back and jumps over the rustic railing. I have reached my boundary of comfort and I am desperately trying to come up with excuses to go back inside. My brain is just now registering what she has just said…the horse does not ride double but you are going to be just fine. We will see how he reacts once you get on the back of me. My rustler-like jeans that are practically starched stiff are now starting to shake as I look down at the ground in panic. My palms are sweating and my tears are trying to slide down my face. I barely make it over the top of the fence without vibrating the nails loose from my shaking. I am now facing two giant horses that are nervous and side stepping and anxious for the rider to mount. I say a silent goodbye to my family and wish them well. I am here and ready to breathe in my last few breaths of air before I depart this cruel world. 

Jessica is on top of the horse while cursing the dog to be quiet and the horse to settle down. Her eyes penetrate my soul as she says, “Hurry up Dari, get on!  She leans off to the left of the horse while her arm is extended to help hoist me up on the horse’s back end. I unsuccessfully attempt several times to throw my body on the back of the horse. Finally I am able to flop my body behind Jessica. I can feel the horse’s nervousness as a new rider mounts and he can feel mine rattling through his behind. The horse starts crow-hopping as I hold onto Jessica’s waist with sheer grit and determination to stay on top of this beast. Jessica yells from in front, “Whoa, Dari loosen up a bit you’re pushing all the air out of me.” I am careful not to flop my legs and feet over the horse’s flanks to create more chaos. She leads the horse around the corral at a trot with the occasional crow-hop. I rebound and ricochet off the horse’s backend countless times. The horse continues to side step and kick out his hind legs continuously. I speak with desperation from behind Jessica, “Please let me off! Please let me off!” Jess yells,”You’ll be alright, he will settle down in a bit.” I spend the next 30 minutes bobbing on the back end. At last she pulls over to the fence and I lunge off the horse and say a silent prayer that I survived.

Similarly in real life we can get into tricky situations that push us past our boundaries. We can oftentimes push so far that we end up spiraling downwards. Jeffrey R. Holland, an apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint quotes, “In Moments of Fear or doubt or troubling times, Hold the ground. You have already won. Even if that ground is limited.”  Elder Holland understands that Jesus has already paid for every hardship we will ever experience. We have already won. We just need to keep trying and reach out to the nearest fence post to stabilize ourselves sometimes.   

How do you overcome feelings of fear and failure?

Boundaries and Buckaroos Pt. 2

Furthermore, I had another experience where I felt like I was pushed too far out of my normal boundaries. I had to take time to heal, and get my feet back on solid ground again. 

“Dari, can you come and help gather the heifers in the field out by the sandhills early tomorrow morning?” “Sure” I said hesitantly not knowing what all of this would entail. Scott replies,”we will put you on Joker and I’ll ride another horse.” I wanted to back out of this situation as soon as he said that because Joker has a lot of extra energy in the morning. I am not sure I will be able to control him. I start to overthink my current crisis. 

I wake up early and I am dressing in layers to keep warm. I saunter out to the barn with trepidation while the early morning sun blazes through the sky. My toes jammed into these old boots are already unbearable as I make my way around to the corral. Stupid boots! They are freezing, uncomfortable and cumbersome. The tip of my nose is ruby red and my eyes are blurry from the early hour. I have my brother’s chaps loosely fitted around my long legs. A scarf envelops my neck to keep the wind from biting. My dads leather gloves are itchy from the loose hay that found its way to the top of the fingertips. From a distance I might appear to look like a young scarecrow with all the mismatched pieces I am adorned with. 

My brother yells from inside the barn, “Hey, we’re in here! Let’s get going. Jump on Joker and I will lead you out of the barn. Watch your head.” I tense up all over my body and I worry that I will not be able to ride Joker. Scott calms my nerves as he has a hold of Joker as I duck under the large opening of the barn. I am safe for now. 

I am handed the reins as my brother’s horse spins in a circle as he mounts his horse.  My other brother is in front of us. He kicks the horse as he leads us to the sandhills out in the field. If anything happens out of the ordinary while I am following behind my brothers I think I might throw up. If the horse side-steps-I know that this is the end for me. If the horse starts trotting against my command-I know he is going to run away with me. I will surely face my uncertain death. If the horse stumbles because of an animal hole in the sand-I know the horse will fall on top of me and squish the life out of me. All of this uneasiness is spewing out of me. I am wracked with panic with every move Joker takes. I understand that if you’re calm the horse is calm. So I anxiously repeat to myself, steady Dari. 

We walk the horses a good distance and I am starting to gain a little more confidence in the saddle. I feel Joker and I are connecting and I start to groove to his rhythm. We start up the sandhills and he occasionally juts forward and I pull the reins back to show him who is boss. He relinquishes the boss title to me for a small moment. 

The ground is frozen solid and there is snow that still dusts the crevices of the sand. I can see warm breath blowing out of the horses’ muzzle. We reach the top of the hill and we stop and take a moment to find where the cattle are. The horses are hard to hold back and have no interest in stopping. My brother eases forward and Joker has something else in mind for me.  He rares up on his hind legs and then forcefully kicks out his hind legs. Joker snorts, propels his legs outward and bucks hard. This motion continues on several times while I grab the horn and hunker down as securely as I can. I may have not hit the eight second buzzer but I held on as long and firm as I could. I did not want to hit the solid ground below me. I could no longer let my body be  rattled to death and I flew from the big brute. Joker picked me off in no time. I was like a rag doll on his back and he was done playing around. 

I am flying through the frigid air. I don’t mind for now. I know what is coming next. The inhospitable frozen sand. I hit the dirt to the right of my horse. It feels like I was just body slammed to the ground. Every bone in my back and legs feel the compacted earth. I stand up and I turn my hat to the backyard and I walk away. This bull crap talk about getting on after you’ve been bucked off is not for me. I now know who is boss and it was never me. I hear my brothers laughing and talking as I walk away, “You stayed on a long time. That must’ve hurt. You hit really hard. We’ll take Joker from here.” 

I picked up my hat from off of the ground and I pointed my v-shaped boots towards home. I hobbled all the way home with tears streaming down my face. I knew I never should have gotten on that horse. I dropped my clothes on the back porch and I painfully made my way to a steaming hot bath filled with epsom salts.  

In both stories my natural animal abilities were clearly lacking. I was uncomfortable and unsure in both situations. I had pushed beyond my boundaries that I felt secure in. When we have had a past issue with depression we need to set up boundaries for ourselves that we feel safe in. 

Lastly, I have my own mental limits that I stick to. I know that if I push too far outside of those limits I can end up declining and feel the pressure of melancholy. Here are a few tips that I do to keep myself on solid ground.       

1. I’ve learned to pull back on the reins when things get out of control.  

2. I realized that I wasn’t cut out to be a cowgirl. Finding my own niche led me to greater happiness. I can appreciate the horses from the other side of the corral.     

3. I fall back on things that I know are solid and true. The ground, a well dug fence post, and a hot bath represent the scriptures, Jesus Christ, and prayer.   

What are things that you know to be true that you hang onto when you start to have a downturn in your life?

Medical disclaimer: The information on this site are my own thoughts and experiences. This is not a substitute for professional and medical advice. If you need help please consult a medical professional or healthcare provider.   

Resources 

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/media/image/quote-holland-8c62478?lang=eng&collectionId=c2a5eec737eaf4a7f59eb05bdd5c1fc17036fa47