Giving instructions that are clear cut and to the point is the goal every time we give directions to another individual. Unfortunately, when others are listening they can interpret what we are saying differently. Our speech is designed for others to hear exactly what we are saying and we hope they are listening with a purpose.

It should be noted that I enjoy having people over and once I find my ‘people’ I like to keep them around and possibly feed them. (a lot!) “Hey Alan,” I said with enthusiasm, “What are your plans this Saturday?” He responds, “I just have to finish staining the fences around the properties. Why, What’s up?” I suggest, “Why don’t we have the Mckinnon’s over for dinner and we can hang out and visit for a while?” He replies, “Yeah that sounds like fun. I’ll talk to Brett and see if that would work for his family.” 

The following week I start to make plans and preparations for the meal on Saturday. I am thinking about making a few homemade pizzas for the upcoming get together on Saturday: 

chicken BBQ, 

canadian bacon and pineapple,

combination of pepperoni-mozz.-and capers/pepper flakes -SO GOOD! . 

Alan also has his own plans to add to the gathering. He decides to recreate a used crate he found at work. He cuts out legs from an old 4×4 and secures them to the bottom of the crate. I am overjoyed to finally have some sort of outside table that is low to the ground. I decide to stain the rough pine slats before dinner on Saturday. I scrounge through the small attached garage to see what chairs I could place around the freshly stained table.

Also our backyard has a large oak tree that stands tall with a rope swing that hangs from a tall branch high above the ground. The seat of the swing is a wooden board that is worn and smoothed out on the top. The board has indents on the side of the board that Alan drilled out to hold the board in place. The tree beckons the young and the old to take a seat and to swing high up with your toes tickling the branches above. The grass in the backyard is sparse with worn paths marked to the garden, to the greenhouse, and to the swing. A new path will soon be visible to our new outdoor eating area.    

In addition to having a functional backyard the house is newly painted in a cool hunter green paint. There is an enclosed sun porch extended off of the back of the kitchen that exits into the attached garage. Directly above the enclosed porch on the main level is a screened in porch on the second level of our home. The upstairs porch has entrances entering into the two kids’ bedrooms. We spend hours in the summer time reading and swinging in the hammocks attached to the open rafters that are painted white. Our home is old, loved, and  dated. Its structure and building materials resemble the era of the late 1800’s. For example the stairs going down to the basement are steep and wooden with faded paint that has weathered over the years. If I happen to trip carrying a load of laundry down I will come head to head with the cinder block wall placed directly at the last step of the stairs. The foundation in the basement was dug out and bricks were stacked on top of each other to create a firm structure. The double pane windows are wooden on the main floor and have been painted shut over time. The locks on the doors are old and some are overlaid with paint. Other finishes have a golden hue are the original finish from when the house was built. 

Last week we sat in the car waiting for Sidnee at piano lessons and we created a song for our beautiful, eclectic, old farm house. 

That’s as far as we got on our song writing skills. When we are waiting in the car again next week for lessons we will pick it up again. Maybe we will add in a few lines about the interesting spiders that crawl around on our uneven wooden floors or the thick cobwebs that cling to the bushes that line the sidewalks down our street.

Finally Saturday arrives and the brownies are baking in the oven and the pizza dough is rising in the fridge. The girls are cleaning the upstairs and making the beds. Britton and Vynni are playing on the upstairs porch on the swings and I am handling everything else. Alan is outside finishing his work for our landlord. We hear a knock on the door and all of the kiddos run to the living room to greet our friends. Some of the kids run upstairs to play, others are looking for dinosaurs or Legos to play with, and my older girls walk outside with our company to listen in on the adult conversations. I quickly touch the shoulder to my two year old daughter, “Don’t touch the locks in your room okay? Keep the doors open please.” She looks at me with anticipation in her eyes and says, “Okay Mommy,” as she runs off to play. 

In addition to keeping one eye on the children, the rest of us head to the backyard for some food and some lively dialogue. Conversation and animated gestures about working the swing shift at UPS, difficult math classes at the university, and raising children are the topic of our discussions. After the pizza’s are devoured and all the little kids are fed, the children return to playing in some corner of the house. We continue to talk about the ups and downs of life, we laugh, we express empathy for each other’s situations, and most of all we enjoy one another.

 I jump up to clear the dishes from our unpolished table and I am curious to see where Vynni and Macy have run off to. I call their names and I don’t get a response back from them. I run up the stairs that are directly placed in the kitchen and I turn the corner to Vynni’s bedroom door. I call through the door, “Vynni, Macy…. Are you girls in there?” There is no response and the door is locked. 

• The first clue – ‘The door is locked.’ 
• The second clue – ‘I can hear them both breathing and shuffling around in the bedroom.’ 
• The third clue – ‘I am positive they are doing something they shouldn’t be doing.’

Although they have the door locked there isn’t much they can get into. The room is only big enough for a single bed and a small dresser. The closet is so small it is only big enough to house a small family of mice. There are no toys in her room and the window only opens a little bit. I knock on the door again and still there is no answer. I run downstairs and tell Alan and Brett that the girls are in Vynni’s room but there is no answer. Everyone gets up from their chairs and we walk over to the west side of the house where there is a small window that is opened by a crack. We yell from the ground into the second floor window, “Girls, are you in there?” Two little blonde girls eventually show up to the window and they respond quietly through the screen, “We are locked in.” 

The locks in this particular bedroom are not your normal locks. The lock on the door going out into the hallway is a little pin you push in and it is difficult to get it to slide out. The lock on the door leading out onto the sun porch is a turn knob lock with an additional slider chain lock at the top of the door. The chain lock is often locked unless the kiddos were playing on the porch. I remember telling Vynni and the older kids not to lock the door into Vynni’s room because it would be difficult for the little kids to unlock the doors. 

As a result there are two little blonde princesses locked up in a tower. Not even their king’s can free them. Brett and Alan hurriedly walk through the great hall and they climb up the tower stairs. They walk through the high room and out onto the enclosed porch. Brett kneels down on his knees and through the slit of the open door he sees two little girls walking around the tower room. Alan is directing them through the window in the door to unlock the door leading out into the hallway. They look back at their dads with a blank stare on their faces.  

Brett says, “Macy, listen to me. Do you hear me?” She looks with her bright blue eye through the slit of the door and says, “Yes.” She is the older of the two girls. She is the oldest one and the most capable one that will be able to unlock the antique door. They are going to have to listen to instructions to unlock the door. Brett kneels down on the second level sunporch just outside of the door that is locked, “Macy, You need to turn the little pin on the doorknob and pull out.” She responds with one word, “Okay.” She tries over and over to unlock the antique lock on the door but she cannot get the lock to unlock. Brett is still on his knees, “Macy, you have got to listen to me. You can do this! I believe in you. Okay, do you hear me honey?” Again a quiet, “Yes.” Comes from Macy locked behind the door. The next thirty minutes are filled with instruction, words of affirmation and encouragement. Finally she has listened enough to be able to understand his instructions and she is able to move the pin on the heirloom lock. Cheers go up from their siblings that are now zoned into what is happening. Finally after forty-five minutes of instruction, assistance, and determination the little princesses are let free out of the room they were held captive in by their own devices.   

Listening is an important skill. It feels good to have someone listen to us and understand us. Macy and Vynni were in a room with no other distractions and their dads were able to plainly direct them. They could hear them clearly and they focused on what was being implied. Even though it took almost an hour for Macy to figure out the lock, she listened and occasionally asked questions of how to complete the task. Once the door was opened they were rewarded with love, hugs, and dessert. We all learned how to listen and how to communicate with clarity that day.   

Here are three things you can try to become a better listener: 

1. Set aside your own thoughts, experiences, and suggestions. Practice focusing on what someone is telling you. 
2. After someone has given you instructions, duplicate what they have just told you so you clearly understand the instructions. 
3. Don’t ‘cut in’ on their instructions. Wait for them to finish their instructions and then ask questions pertaining to the topic. 

Resources: 

https://www.cefocusing.com/coreconcepts/1a2.php#:~:text=The%20Focused%20Listening%20Skill%20involves,Focusing%20Invitations%20to%20the%20Focuser.

https://www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine/wellbeing/how-to-talk-about-health-problems/active-listening